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uk666

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Posts posted by uk666

  9. Posted · Report reply

    48 Signs You're Getting Older

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    1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
    2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
    3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
    4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
    5. Your children begin to look middle aged.
    6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
    7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
    8. You look forward to a dull evening.
    9. Your favourite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
    10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
    11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
    12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
    13. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
    14. Your back goes out more than you do.
    15. Your Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up when you see a pretty girl.
    16. The little old Gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
    17. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
    18. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
    19. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
    20. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
    21. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
    22. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
    23. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
    24. You are proud of your lawn mower.
    25. Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.
    26. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
    27. You sing along with the elevator music.
    28. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
    29. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
    30. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
    31. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
    32. You make an appointment to see the dentist.
    33. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
    34. Neighbours borrow your tools.
    35. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
    36. You have a dream about prunes.
    37. You answer a question with, "because I said so."
    38. You send money to PBS.
    39. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
    40. You take a metal detector to the beach.
    41. You wear black socks with sandals.
    42. You know what the word "equity" means.
    43. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
    44. Your ears are hairier than your head.
    45. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
    46. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
    47. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
    48. When you bend over, you look for something else to do while you're down there.

  10. Posted · Report reply

    Headache 

    It was a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife were at the zoo. 

    She was wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. 

    As they walked through the ape exhibit and passed in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla went nuts. He jumped up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet) grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.

    He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow. 

    He suggested she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She did and Mr. Gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

    Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps falls. She did and Mr. Gorilla was just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs," the husband suggested. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy!

    Quickly the husband grabbed his wife by the hair, ripped open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and said:

    "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

    • Haha 1

  11. Posted · Report reply

    Right or Left

    A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife.

    Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.

    Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down.

    The left wing meant: I will be busy tonight and won't be home.

    The right wing meant: In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.

    One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down.

    Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, the other eight aeroplanes flew over, and each one of them turned its right wing down.

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