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uk666

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Posts posted by uk666

  2. Posted · Report reply

    A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

    This is an extract from the diary of a BMW driver.

    The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. 

    First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! 

    I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.) 

    Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)

    Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and cruising along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

    Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

    Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! 

    He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

    Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! 

    Apparently, he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either and I was only allowed 3.) 

    But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

    See, THAT's the sort of respect you use to get when you drive a BMW, In 1980s, UK.

  3. Posted · Report reply

    Train Wreck Hotel

    A man brought his wife along on a business trip to Chicago. They arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room.

    The man said, “Dear, I have a brief meeting to go to. Why don’t you rest here until I get back?”

    After the husband left the room, the wife lied down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passed by the window and shook the room so hard, she was thrown from the bed. 

    Thinking this was a freak occurrence, she lied down once more. Again, a passing train shook the room so violently, she was thrown to the floor.

    Exasperated, she called the front desk and asked for the manager. The manager came right up but was sceptical of the wife’s story.

    “Look, lie here on the bed,” the wife directed. “You’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

    So, the manager laid down next to the wife.

    Without warning, the husband walked into the room. “What the hell is going on here?” he demanded in an angry tone.

    The manager meekly replied:

    “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

  4. Posted · Report reply

    Talking Dog

    This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” 

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

    “You talk?” he asks.

    “Yep,” the mutt replies.

    “So, what’s your story?”

    The mutt looks up and says

    “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

    The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

    The owner replies:

    “He’s such a liar.”

  5. Posted · Report reply

    Rules for Being Human

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    The rules are a gentle reminder of both why we are here, and how to relax into the experience of being human rather than struggling and fighting against it.

    To sum it up, the list briefly explains that in life, no one is given a handbook. There is no definitive guide to show us the “right” road.

    It is up to us to seek out and recognise our opportunities to grow. If we want to evolve as a human we must learn from life’s lessons and remember that we are constantly learning, yet how we apply the knowledge we gain us up to everyone.

    The 10 rules contain wisdom that can help guide you through the process of personal development:

    1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
    2. You will learn lessons. – You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
    3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. – Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
    4. A lesson is repeated until learned. –  A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
    5. Learning lessons does not end. – There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
    6. "There" is no better than "here". – When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."
    7. Others are merely mirrors of you. – You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
    8. What you make of your life is up to you. – You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
    9. Your answers lie inside you. – The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
    10. You will forget all this.

  16. Posted · Report reply

    Vocabulary

    A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs.

    One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”

    “What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.

    “A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”

    “Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs, he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”

    “What’s extinguish?” she asked.

    “Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald

    “Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”

    The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.

    “Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress:

    “Take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”

  17. Posted · Report reply

    Boloney 

    A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis.

    After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

    "It's going fine," the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

    "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiastic.

    "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"

  18. Posted · Report reply

    Notes To The Rural Milkman

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    1. Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
    2. Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
    3. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
    4. Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
    5. Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
    6. Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
    7. When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
    8. Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights 'Sopranos' . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.
    9. My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.
    10. Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
    11. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
    12. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
    13. My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.
    14. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today?
    15. When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
    16. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
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