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uk666

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Posts posted by uk666

  7. Posted · Report reply

    An Ode to the Worker

    work.jpg

    Yet without them, where would this world be? Their sweat and their toil provides for our very needs!

    Deadlines, timelines, die Lines, waiting in Line, killing time, texting, typing, printing, sorting. Another line, more lost time, tie too tight, shirt not right, ate too much for lunch, that’s my hunch.

    Shops close up, their keepers count their pay; What the morrow may bring, no one can quite say.

    Time for clean-up, time to make straight; Hurry, make fast, we shan’t not be late!

    Day after day, the process repeats; But its work must be done if they'll be food to eat, and bills to pay. The life of a worker lacks freedom to play.

    A job’s a job today, times are tough that way extra hours with no extra pay but the worker who's sweat is drawn and well earned; Will not be lost when the fire shall burn.

    While the suits and the moguls count their vast pay; Their fortunes are not but wind in the hay.

    The work is hard the pay is small so, take your time and sod ‘em all, Cause when you’re dead you’ll be forgot so, don’t try, and do the bloody lot.

    If you work and do your best, you’ll get the sack like all the rest but if you laze and bugger about, you’ll live to see the job right out.

    The day's drawing close, farewell to the sun. Bustle of day ends with work still to be done. While CEO’s keep setting goals, keeping us trapped within our holes, there went me shut my mouth and know my role.

    Now hang in there – before you know it retirement will be calling you, for time goes by fast. Or, on your tombstone, neatly lacquered these three words:

    “JUST BLEEDING KNACKERED”

  8. Posted · Report reply

    Birthday Poem

    MARCUS: “Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.”

    BOB: “Cool! Let me hear it!”

    MARCUS: 

    “Don’t worry about the past — you can’t change it.”

    “Don’t worry about the future — you can’t predict it.”

    “And don’t worry about the present — I didn’t get you one.”

  9. Posted · Report reply

    Hiring People 

    Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night". 

    So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

    Then Congress said, "how does the watchman do his job without instruction?" 

    So, they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

    Then Congress said, "how will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" 

    So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

    Then Congress said, "how are these people going to get paid?" 

    So, they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

    Then Congress said, "who will be accountable for all of these people?" 

    So, they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

    Then Congress said, "we have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

    So, they laid off the night watchman.

    • Haha 1

  21. Posted · Report reply

    How to Spoil a Really Nice Evening 

    how.jpg

    What makes these questions so bad is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce, if the man does not answer properly--which is to say, dishonestly.

    1 - "What are you thinking?"
    The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time.

    Which was most likely one of five things:

    1. - Baseball.
    2. - Football.
    3. - How fat you are.
    4. - How much prettier she is than you.
    5. - Beer.

    According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers.

    2 - "Do you love me?"
    The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." 

    Wrong answers include:

    1. - I suppose so.
    2. - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    3. - That depends on what you mean by "love".
    4. - Does it matter?
    5. - Who, me?

    3 - "Do I look fat?"
    The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. 

    Wrong answers include:

    1. - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
    2. - Compared to what?
    3. - A little extra weight looks good on you.
    4. - I've seen fatter.
    5. - Honey I will buy you a second mirror so you can check for yourself.

    4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
    The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." 

    Wrong answers include:

    1. - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
    2. - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
    3. - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
    4. - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
    5. - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    Note: From this, we can see that any standard male response is probably incorrect.

  22. Posted · Report reply

    Flagpole

    Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
     
    A blonde walk by and asked them what they were doing.

    Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
     
    The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
     
    Then, she walked off.
     
    Mick said to Paddy:

    'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height  and she gives us the Feckin length.'

  23. Posted · Report reply

    Man To Man

    A young man found God and elects to talk to him man to man.

    "God, how does time seem to you?"

    "Millions and billions of years are but a mere second to me, my child".

    "What about Worldly possessions; money, property, wealth?"

    "Man's millions and billions are but trinkets in my eyes, my child".

    "Father would you give me a few million to make my life easier?"

    "Give me a few seconds to think it over, my child".

  24. Posted · Report reply

    Fastest Thing

    Four men applied for the same job and were equally qualified so the interviewer decided to ask them one extra question to display their creativity: "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"

    The first man answered, "A thought, because it just pops into your head without warning."

    "Good," replied the interviewer and turned to the second man, "And you?"

    The second man said, "A blink, because it comes and goes and you don't know it happened."

    "Good," said the interviewer and looked at the third man. "Light, because when you flip a switch, the light comes on instantaneously."

    "Science says nothing is faster than light," said the interviewer.

    Then it was Murphy's turn. Murphy proclaimed, "The fastest thing is diarrhoea."

    "What?!" spurted the stunned interviewer.

    "Why? How?"

    Murphy finished:

    "Well, the other day, when I weren't feeling so good, I ran for the bathroom but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"

    • Haha 1
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