Thanks for Nothing

[uk666 5,298]

Thanks for Nothing

I just want to thank all of you for your educational and warming e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

1. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
2. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 
3. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
4. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.
5. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 
6. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
7. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
8. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
9. Also, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
10. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
11. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. 
12. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. 
13. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 
14. I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
15. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
16. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
17. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
18. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. 
19. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
20. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. 
21. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
22. I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. 
23. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies.
24. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
25. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

[Tech 425 3,942]

Now this is Funny and True

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7. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

Now I disagree with this one:

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10. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I Drink Coca Cola because it does