12 Wisdom From Funny People

[uk666 5,298]

12 Wisdom From Funny People

1. J. Seinfeld - "My parents just moved to Florida. They didnt want to, but they turned sixty. It's the law."
2. Unknown - " When I die, I want to go like my grandfather - peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car"
3. M. Twain - "Let’s suppose you were an idiot. And let’s suppose you were a member of Congress...... But I repeat myself"
4. Rod Stewart - "I don’t want to get married again. I'll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house."
5. J Carson - "If life were fair Elvis would still be alive and the impersonators would be dead"
6. P Poundstone - "My mother said she learned how to swim when some people took her out in the middle of the lake and pushed her out of the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to tach you to swim"
7. Roseanne - "Some women complain about PMS. I look at it as the only time of the month I can be myself."
8. Dave Barry - "I like dogs. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and he'll give you that look that says, "God, you’re right. I never would have thought of that."
9. Richard Jeni - "I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime & poverty, but it isn't cold enough. Let’s go west."
10. Conan Obrian - "A study in the Washington Post stated that women have better verbal skills than men. I'd like to say one thing to the authors of that study, "DUH"
11. Dave Barry - "Given the choice between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, women will go for the infant every time. Even without considering if there’s someone on base."
12. J. Foxworthy - "The job of being the designated driver is not a good one. But if you get stuck with it, try to have some fun. At the end of the night, let everyone out at the wrong house."

[Rædwulf 1,441]

38 minutes ago, uk666 said:

M. Twain - "Let’s suppose you were an idiot. And let’s suppose you were a member of Congress...... But I repeat myself"

this is so accurate its sick.. lmao..