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Showing content with the highest reputation since 03/24/2020 in all areas

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    Yearly Physical A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115" she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course, it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
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    Answer A Question Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
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    Canary Contest Jim strolls into the paint section of B&Q and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says. "Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?" "My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win." "Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!" "No, they won't," Jim replies. "Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on!" says Jim. Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk. "So, the paint killed your bird?" "Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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    A Lawyer And honest Man A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said" "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
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    Temper Tantrum As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently take his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides: "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
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    Special Ring An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $8,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man: "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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    Wow - Wish I could have used that when I was younger...
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    Life Support Justin crawled into the police station pleading for help. The officers on duty immediately tried to administer first aide, but could find no apparent injury. They helped him into an office, sat him down in a chair, and asked him what happened. “My wife tried to kill me…” he stammered as one of the officers began taking notes. “We were sitting in the living room, talking about what to do if the unthinkable ever happened. I told her, ‘Dear, I don’t want to be kept alive on machines and liquids. If you see me in a vegetative state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive.'” Justin continued, “It was then that my wife got up from the sofa and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the DVD player, my computer, and my Xbox. If that wasn’t bad enough, she went into the fridge and tossed out all of my beer!”
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    That would make me sick too...
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    New Heart A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker". The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's". The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?" The man says: "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyers probably never used his. So, I'll take the attorney's!"
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    Sounds correct to me...
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    Nursing Home One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they just won't let you fart."