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Doctor required a semen sample off 85-year-old man Doctor required an 85-year-old man to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar, said take this jar home, and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the woman next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbour. The old man replied, Yep, but none of us could get the stubborn lid open off the jar.

Knitting A highway patrol officer pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Smile Smiling happens without much thought. When you watch a friend do something silly or embarrassing, you smirk. When a police officer lets you off without a ticket, you grin. And when you are recognized for your top performance in academics or at work, you beam. Smiling is a very natural response that shares our happiness with others. But did you know that smiling also triggers activity in your brain? Yep, there's a serious mind-body connection there, in your left frontal cortex to be exact, which is—not surprisingly—the area of your brain that registers happiness. Your face has 44 muscles in it that allow you make more than 5,000 different types of expressions, many of which are smiles. Seven Good Reasons to Smile A Smile costs nothing, but gives much. It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it. A Smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature’s best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile; Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile as much as he who has no more to give. Seven Things to Smile About 1. Smiling can make you happy (even when you are not). Remember that mind-body connection we were just talking about? Well, it turns out that the simple act of smiling sends a message to your brain that you're happy. And when you're happy, your body pumps out all kinds of feel-good endorphins. This reaction has been studied since the 1980s and has been proven a number of times. In 1984, an article in the journal Science showed that when people mimic different emotional expressions, their bodies produce physiological changes that reflect the emotion, too, such as changes in heart and breathing rate. Another German study found that people felt happy just by holding a small pen clenched in their teeth, imitating a smile. Just remember that the research goes both ways. When the people in the first study frowned, they felt less happy, and in the German study, people who held a pen in their protruding lips, imitating a pout, felt unhappy. So the next time you feel sad or upset, try smiling. It just might make your body—and therefore you—feel better. 2. Smiling can make others happy. "When you're smiling', the whole world smiles with you." Ever heard that song, made famous by Louis Armstrong? Well, it is true. Research shows that smiling is contagious. Ever been around someone who just had something fantastic happen to him or her? Isn't it almost impossible not to feel good, too? Studies show that something as simple as seeing a friend smile can activate the muscles in your face to make that same expression, without you even being aware that you are doing it. Crazy, right? But remember that this, too, can be for better or for worse. You know the expression "misery loves company". Frowns act just like smiles, just with a negative reaction, so choose to smile and watch the world smile back! 3. Smiling makes you more attractive. Ever wonder why are we always asked to smile in photos? Because people usually look their best—and happiest—when smiling. According to the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry, 96 percent of American adults believe an attractive smile makes a person more appealing to members of the opposite sex. So the next time you are about to ask someone on a date, smile. It will make them feel happier (see No. 2), and you will already be more attractive in his or her eyes! 4. Smiling can help you de-stress. The next time you are stressed about work or realize that your favourite jeans feel a little snug, do not freak out. Take a few deep breaths and smile! Smiling may help to reduce symptoms associated with anxiety. When that smile signals to your brain that you are feeling happy (even though you are not really feeling happy...yet), your body will usually slow its breathing and heart rate. Reducing stress is so important for health, too, as it can lower blood pressure, improve digestion and regulate blood sugar. Note that this works during workouts, too! If you're having a hard time getting through that last rep or getting those final 5 minutes in on the treadmill, smiling can do wonders! 5. Smiling can help you land a job. If you're about to go on a job interview, you may think that your appearance is just about wearing nice clothes. Wrong! You can't just wear that suit; you have to wear it with a smile. In a study published in the December 2009 issue of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, people looked at full-body photographs of 123 people they had never met. The people in the photos had one of two expressions: neutral (think your passport photo) or a smile. And guess what? When observers saw the photos of smiling people, they were more likely to think that the person in the photo was likeable, confident, conscientious and stable. Sound like traits most companies want in an employee, right? So the next time you're dressing to impress, make sure to take that beautiful, natural smile with you! 6. Smiling can lead to laughter. Have you ever laughed without smiling? It's pretty impossible to do. And it's funny how a smile here and a smile there with friends can turn into a whole fit of hysterical laughter. Numerous studies have been done on the health benefits of laughing, including how it acts like a mini workout that burns calories and works the abs. Laughter also helps blood flow, lowers blood sugar levels, reduces stress and improves sleep. It may also raise the level of infection-fighting antibodies in the body, which helps boost your immune system. So the moral of this story is smile—and laugh—often! 7. Smiling just feels good. Have you ever found that smiling just feels good? Go ahead, smile now. Doesn't it feel natural? Make you feel happy to be alive? It sure does beat the heck out of a frown. Isn't it time you turn that frown upside down? Now say "cheese!" Some of the text is based on the writings of Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch.

Facebook bug could have unblocked people you blocked Facebook disclosed a new “bug” on Monday that temporarily let some users who’d been blocked on the service send messages to the people who had blocked them. The bug also let some previously-blocked users view posts that were shared “to a wider audience,” such as publicly or with friends of friends, Facebook said. Facebook’s privacy boss Erin Egan apologised for the error, writing in a blog that the company is reaching out to “over 800,000" users about the screw-up. The “blocking bug” was active between May 29 and June 5, for eight days, though the company now says Messenger should be acting normally. Egan’s post details the features of this newly disclosed bug. It did not reinstate any friend connections that had been severed. 83% of people affected by the bug had only one person they had blocked temporarily unblocked and someone who was unblocked might have been able to contact people on Messenger who had blocked them. It isn’t clear when Facebook discovered the bug or how many people were actually contacted by the people they’d blocked. It’d be interesting to know if Facebook discovered the issue itself, or after users complained about unblocking. Facebook’s announcement post closes by mentioning the serious consequences of a faulty blocking system, chiefly harassment or bullying, both significant issues that are exacerbated when platforms make mistakes like this.

The Cynical Philosopher Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat….you're just easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks! The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Think of this: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk!

Gorilla Gabe London Zoo famous Gorilla, Gabe, died unexpectedly and he had been one of the biggest attractions – especially for the children. Well, since the busy season for the zoo was just around the corner and they did not have time to get a new gorilla, one of the zookeepers came up with this idea. They had one of the other zookeepers dress up in a complete gorilla outfit and pretend to be Gabe. This zookeeper really took to this new job and he got to be quite good at swinging from the branches, eating bananas and was fooling everyone. One day, however, he was a bit too enthusiastic. He ended up swinging a bit higher than expected and let go at the wrong time. He ended up sailing out of his cage and directly into the cage of the lion. He gulped and was barely able to squeak out a tiny “help!” The lion sauntered over to him, got really close and whispered back. “Shut up, or we will both lose our jobs!”

If you think you had a bad day, wait until you see this:

Google says no one is reading your emails, except... Google would like you to know that no one is reading your emails on Gmail without your permission. While that may be true, things aren't that simple. After a Wall Street Journal report (published Monday) described how third-party developers might be reading your emails on Gmail, Google on Tuesday responded with a blog post, describing the measures the company takes to ensure your security and privacy within the service. The post, signed by Suzanne Frey, Director of Security, Trust and Privacy at Google Cloud, admits that Google allows third party developers to access your Gmail messages, but only if you've granted them permission, and only after they pass a strict review process. "Before a published, non-Google app can access your Gmail messages, it goes through a multi-step review process that includes automated and manual reviews of the developer, assessment of the app’s privacy policy and homepage to ensure it is a legitimate app, and in-app testing to ensure the app works as it says it does," Frey says. In contrast, the WSJ's report claims that Google "does little to police these developers," which in some cases actually have their employees read users' emails. According to the report, employees of a company called Return Path read about 8,000 user emails two years ago in order to help train its software. The practice of sharing user data with third-party firms became common knowledge after it was revealed that Facebook let numerous third-party apps harvest massive amounts of user data for their own purposes. Google has been a little more careful than Facebook when it comes to protecting your privacy. For example, the company stopped using contents of user emails on Gmail to personalize its ads back in 2017. But if you're not careful about granting permissions in Gmail to third-party apps, your emails could still theoretically fall into the wrong hands. To check which third-party apps you've allowed to access your Gmail, go to myaccount.google.com and click on "Apps with account access." In the post, Frey also points out that "no one at Google reads your Gmail." There are exceptions to that rule, though. According to the company, these include "very specific cases where you ask us to and give consent, or where we need to for security purposes, such as investigating a bug or abuse."

Augmented reality: the most intense weather report you will ever see It’s basically The Weather Channel directed by Michael Bay. Last week, The Weather Channel (TWC) introduced a new augmented reality feature called Immersive Mixed Reality. In their morning show, they rolled out the technology to show what would happen if a tornado hit the studio. In the video below, meteorologist Jim Cantore is seen giving a weather report with a tornado making its way towards him. As the funnel gets stronger, a telephone pole and a car fall mere feet away from the man, nearly crushing him to death. Luckily, for Cantore, it’s all computer-generated. “I watched hours of rehearsals and still flinched when the car dropped from the ceiling,” said Nora Zimmett, senior vice president of content and programming at TWC. Although tornadoes are destructive and deadly, it’s been hard for meteorologists to show how powerful these natural phenomena are through a TV screen. That’s why TWC collaborated up with Norway-based studio The Future Group to create graphics that will really immerse audiences during their broadcasts. According to Mike Chesterfield, director of weather presentation at TWC, he plans to implement the augmented reality tech in 80 percent of their live programming by 2020. “We want to transport our audience into the heart of the weather,” he said.

The terrifying trailer for 'Conjuring' prequel 'The Nun' is here if you can handle it The third film in The Conjuring series, The Nun takes place long before the events of The Conjuring and shows the origins of the terrifying demon nun. Set in 1952, The Nun follows the story of a nun-in-training who joins up with a priest to investigate an abbey in Romania, which is a super spooky and macabre place where at least one demonic nun resides — the same nun that pops up and horrifies in The Conjuring. The Nun comes to theaters Sept. 7.

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