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Not on the Weekends A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door, started pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

300% Impotent A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent. The doctor replied, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She answered, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. '' ''In addition'' she said ''he burned his tongue and broke his fingers!"

Sleeping in Church One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen" replied the congregation.

omg that hilarious.. hahaha.. lmfao..

In Praise of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know... Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas... Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a man just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Adobe Encore!!

The Real Man Test Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman - like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her). 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. 10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control.

Never Judge a Book by its Author .................................................................................. Is O. J. Guilty?..........................Howard I. Know Animal Illnesses........................Ann Thrax French Overpopulation…….........Francis Crowded Fallen Underwear .....................Lucy Lastic Downpour! ..............................Wayne Dwops Cloning ...................................Ima Dubble Irish Flooring ...........................Lynn O'Leum I Lived in Detroit ......................Helen Earth Inflammation, Please ................Arthur Itis Handel's Messiah .....................Ollie Luyah House Construction ………..........Bill Jerome Home Unemployed ............................Anita Job Off to Market ...........................Tobias A. Pigg Holmes Does it Again ……….......Scott Linyard Home Alone IV .........................Eddie Buddyhome Lewis Carroll ............................Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy ..............................Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast …......Kareem O' Wheat Neither a Borrower ...................Nora Lender Bee The French Chef .......................Sue Flay Tight Situation ..........................Leah Tard The Scent of a Man ..................Jim Nasium Why Cars Stop .........................M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows ………..........Russell Ingleaves Look Younger ...........................Fay Slift Mountain Climbing ....................Andover Hand It's Springtime! .........................Theresa Green No! ..........................................Kurt Reply And Shut Up! ...........................Sid Downe

World's highest standard of living, There's no way like the American way Famous image of African American flood victims lined up to get food and clothing at Red Cross relief station in front of billboard ironically extolling “World’s highest standard of living. There’s no way like the American way”. Original title of the picture: “The Louisville Flood”. 1937 In early January 1937, the swollen banks of the Ohio River flooded more than seventy percent of Louisville, Kentucky, and its surrounding areas. With one hour’s notice, photojournalist Margaret Bourke-White caught the next plane to Louisville. She photographed the city from makeshift rafts, recording one of the largest natural disasters in American history which claimed close to 400 lives and left roughly one million people homeless across five states in the winter of that terrible year. One of the most famous pictures she took shows African-American men, women and children lined up outside a flood relief agency. In striking contrast to their grim faces, the billboard for the National Association of Manufacturers above them depicts a smiling white family of four (and their dog) riding in a car under a banner with the ultimately ironic slogan “World’s Highest Standard of Living. There’s no way like the American Way”. Although, the country was dealing with a depression and local lives are even further complicated by being displaced from their homes, the individuals photographed are dressed pretty well. Women have beautiful long pea coats, clean hats; heels and two women are even shown wearing hosiery in great condition. The men are depicted wearing nice long coats, non-wrinkled pants and all of which are wearing hats. The billboard is an archetype that carries some notable social and political implications. The father-mother-son-daughter (and even pet terrier) unit embodied the American nuclear family, as outlined by countless hegemonic institutions, including magazine publications and advertising agencies. Produced by The National Association of Manufacturers, thousands of billboard scenes, like the one above, aimed at spreading hope across the United States by advocating the American Dream. Bourke-White’s The Louisville Flood remains an iconic image of the Great Depression, embodying an era that began with the stock market crash in 1929 and ended with the onslaughts of World War II in 1941.