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The Roasting Pan One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan. The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it. That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question. Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said: "So, it would fit in the pan, of course."

Scared Alligator So, one day, Gramma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there waiting for me!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Little Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt anyone. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Little Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Beer Shampoo Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand." "I can handle that without a problem", the first nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the first nun said, "back at The Nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house."

Goodbye Mother-in-law A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog. The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, "My husband will be here in a moment. He's just saying good-bye to my mother." When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!" The silence in the cab was deafening.

The 2018 Global Physics Photowalk Competition The winning entries in the 2018 Global Physics Photowalk competition. The 2018 Global Physics Photowalk brought hundreds of amateur and professional photographers to 18 laboratories around the world, to capture their scientific facilities and workforce. The science of the participating labs ranges from exploring the origins of the cosmos to understanding our planet’s climate, and from improving human and animal health to helping deliver secure and sustainable food and energy supplies for the future. Simon Wright bagged first place in the expert jury’s choice with this shot taken at the UK’s STFC Boulby Underground Laboratory, which is located 1.1 km underground in Europe’s deepest operating mine and contributes to the search for dark matter. The photograph captures Tamara Leitan as she scanned an information board at the lab. To highlight Leitan’s face, Wright used a miner’s lamp instead of a flash to minimise interference with light reflected from the safety equipment that workers must wear at the mine.

Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees An Actual 1943 Transit Company Guide to Hiring Women During World War II. From the July 1943 edition of Mass Transportation magazine, written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War Two. There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage have settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are some helpful tips on the subject from western properties: If you can, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it—maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls—those who are just a little on the heavy side—are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders. In breaking in women who haven’t previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time—the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up. Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they’re happier with change. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman—it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.

Remembering Will Rogers In 1935, William Penn Adair, better known as Will Rogers, an entertainer, humourist, political commentator and writer, died in a plane crash in Alaska. A key backer of American aviation, Rogers was exploring Alaska with pilot Wiley Post, when their plane sputtered and stopped soon after take-off and made a nosedive into a lagoon near Point Barrow. Both Rogers, the country’s “cowboy philosopher,” and Post, the one-eyed airman and the first pilot to fly solo around the world, died on impact. He was 55 years old. Rogers’ weekly radio broadcast, one of the first comedic political shows, had become the most listened to program in the country on Sunday evenings by 1935. Additionally, an estimated 40 million people read his “Daily Telegrams,” published by The New York Times and syndicated to hundreds of other newspapers throughout the U.S. and Canada. He was also the second highest grossing movie star, behind Shirley Temple. After his death, federal and state officials ordered flags to be flown at half-staff and the New York times dedicated 13 pages to Rogers. On August 22, nearly 50,000 people went to the Forest Lawn Cemetery in Los Angeles to see Rogers’ flower-covered casket before it was transferred to the funeral chapel. Rogers is perhaps best known for his 1931 radio broadcast “Bacon, Beans and Limousines,” in which he criticized U.S. leaders for not adequately addressing the country’s unemployed population, which was then at 7 million people. “When he gave that speech, he was there to make America feel good and give hope,” Rogers’ great granddaughter and commissioner on the Will Rogers Memorial Commission, Jennifer Rogers-Etcheverry told PBS NewsHour. “He was the one to say ‘people wake up,'” she said regarding his dismay over people who were starving throughout the country. By the age of 55, Rogers had written six books and more than 3,600 articles, according to historians at the Will Rogers Memorial Museum. He had travelled around the world three times, made 71 movies, and entered the Guinness Book of World Records for throwing three lassos at once, landing around a horse’s neck, its four legs and the horse’s rider. He wouldn’t have been able to do any of those things, Rogers-Etcheverry mentioned, without the support of his wife and manager, Betty Blake Rogers. The two had four children. Some of his sayings: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING OLDER... First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable... Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

He'd say - Mickey and Donald will be there shortly...

Golf Wisdom 2 Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. — Winston Churchill Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf. — Jack Benny You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. — Lee Trevino Golf is not a game, it’s bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins. — Unknown It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. — Hank Aaron Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course. — Lee Trevino I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. — Lee Trevino These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. — Sam Snead Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five. — Paul Harvey They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that’s wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it. — Tommy Bolt Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet. — Tommy Bolt Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. — Jimmy Demaret If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. — Lee Trevino Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour. — Unknown Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music. — Silk Stockings TV show I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose. — Gerald Ford The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows. — P. G. Wodehouse If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. — Bob Hope In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base. — Ken Harrelson The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life. — Chi Chi Rodriguez After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. — Chi Chi Rodriguez

You Aren't A Kid Any More When.... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses Your back goes out more than you do You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You make an appointment to see the dentist You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbours borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairer than your head. You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party, and the neighbours don't even realize it