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Shark A Very wealthy Texan who had an impressive ranch in Texas. On his ranch, he had a HUGE floodlit swimming pool and in this swimming pool he kept a SHARK. The rich Texan loved to throw lavish dinner parties and would invite his guests up around the pool afterwards. Then he would say to them, “If any of you will swim a length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, or half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.” And he always said before he finished, “but I must warn you before you do so, there is a shark in the pool.”.... Well one evening as he was saying this, there was a splash, and a man, very nicely dressed, swam the entire length of the pool chased by the shark. He got out of the pool just in time as the shark thudded into the wall. The Texan said, “Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done that!! Now what would you like? Would you like $10 million?” The man gasped, “No thank you.” He said, “Would you like half of my estate?” The man said, “No thank you.” He said, “Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?” The exasperated man said, “No thank you!” So the Texan said to him, “Well what do you want?” He said, “I just want the name of the man who pushed me in.”

Cultural Diversity On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman Two American men and one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a Ménage à trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. The two Japanese, have texted Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Bird security system…

112 Ways to Say Someone is Stupid A brick shy of a full load. A few beers short of a six pack. A few clowns short of a circus. A few feathers short of a whole duck. A few fries short of a happy meal. A few peas short of a casserole. A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind. All foam, no beer. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity An intellect rivalled only by garden tools As bright as a 1/2 watt bulb. As bright as a bag of hammers. As sharp as a butter knife. As smart as bait. As swift as a sailboat on a calm day. As swift as roadkill, rabbit. As thick as 2 short planks Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Brainless Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they are nothing. Can be kept busy all day with a sheet of paper saying "please turn over" on both sides. Cognitively impaired Could not pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Daft as a brush. Dead from the neck up. Delusions of adequacy. Dense enough to have his own event horizon. Developmentally delayed Does not have all his dogs on one leash. Does not have all of their dogs barking. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair Don’t let you mind wander – it’s far too small to be let out on its own. Elevator does not go all the way to the top floor. Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I have wanted to cut it down. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming. Half-wit. Has an IQ of two, but it takes 3 to grunt. He always finds himself lost in thought - it is an unfamiliar territory. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. He has one oar out of the water. He seems to always do things an educated person just would not do. Her sewing machine is out of thread. His antenna does not pick up all the channels. His belt does not go through all the loops. His head has enough free airspace to land a jumbo jet. I am blonde. What is your excuse? I am guessing you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you. I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works. I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others. I don’t think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking. I see that you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong I would suggest a battle of wits but I refuse to fight an unarmed opponent. I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about things you wouldn’t understand. If brains were gasoline, you would be hard-pressed to ride a moped around a Cheerio. If bullshit could float…you’d be the Admiral of the fleet! If he had another brain, it would be lonely If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth. If opposites attract, then I hope you meet someone who is intelligent, and cultured. If you were twice as smart, you would still be stupid. If you were twice as smart, you would still be stupid. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. Intelligently impaired. Is your job devoted to spreading ignorance? It’s scary to think that people like you are graduating from college. No grain in the silo Not batting on a full wicket. Not running on all thrusters. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Not the brightest crayon in the box. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. Plonker. Prat. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither. Several nuts short of a full pouch. She is so sweet, bless her. Shit for brains Shock me, say something intelligent. Skylight leaks a little. So, a thought crossed your mind. Must have been a long and lonely journey. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Struggling under cognitive deficiencies. Stupid is as stupid does. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. The cheese slid off his cracker. The engine is running but there is no one behind the wheel. The lights are on, and no one’s home The wheel is spinning, but the hamster's dead. Thinks Megahertz is a unit of pain. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Tried to get the twist out of a Mobius strip. Useless loser. Useless moron. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. What a tool. Wired up right, but not plugged in Wonders how the helpful woman got inside his sat-nav. You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent. You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity? You have a tendency to make a high rate of poor decisions over time. You started at the bottom… and it’s been downhill ever since. You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball. You’re IQ’s lower than your shoe size. You’re like school in the summertime – no class. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. Please add if you have any.

";".. i finally got one of ur puzzles.. *Rædwulf does the happy dance.. *..