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Doctor required a semen sample off 85-year-old man Doctor required an 85-year-old man to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar, said take this jar home, and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the woman next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbour. The old man replied, Yep, but none of us could get the stubborn lid open off the jar.

The Cynical Philosopher Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat….you're just easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks! The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Think of this: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk!

Gorilla Gabe London Zoo famous Gorilla, Gabe, died unexpectedly and he had been one of the biggest attractions – especially for the children. Well, since the busy season for the zoo was just around the corner and they did not have time to get a new gorilla, one of the zookeepers came up with this idea. They had one of the other zookeepers dress up in a complete gorilla outfit and pretend to be Gabe. This zookeeper really took to this new job and he got to be quite good at swinging from the branches, eating bananas and was fooling everyone. One day, however, he was a bit too enthusiastic. He ended up swinging a bit higher than expected and let go at the wrong time. He ended up sailing out of his cage and directly into the cage of the lion. He gulped and was barely able to squeak out a tiny “help!” The lion sauntered over to him, got really close and whispered back. “Shut up, or we will both lose our jobs!”

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