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Man is incomplete until he is married.....then he is really finished.

what to say to a woman.. don't say anything.. ur perfect just the way u r..

Why did the banana go to the doctor……Because he wasn't peeling well!

How did the Irish Jig get started……Too much Guinness and not enough bathrooms

Did you hear about the old vampire who kept his teeth in the freezer......He gave his victims frostbite!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container?...... It said concentrate!

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? .......One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Sir Roger Moore: a life in pictures Sir Roger Moore has died in Switzerland aged 89 after a short battle with cancer. The actor will forever be remembered for his most famous role as James Bond 007, which he made his own through a unique brand of humour and swagger. We look back at this life and career through a selection of pictures. Sir Roger Moore rose to fame on the charm and good looks that accompanied his skill as an actor. Here's a very young Roger, pictured in 1953 with Jennifer Haking, as he began his career as a model. He was a keen rider and made sure to start his day with his horses when pursuing his acting career in Hollywood in the late 1950s. One of his earliest roles was playing Ivanhoe in 1958 in a television remake of Walter Scott's classic novel. Sir Roger was married four times. His second wife was the acclaimed singer Dorothy Squires and they were together for 15 years. From 1962 to 1969, Sir Roger became one of the UK's most popular TV stars playing the Saint, aka the debonair Simon Templar, a conman whose mission was stealing from the corrupt wealthy. In 1971 Sir Roger landed the joint lead role in the action/comedy TV show The Persuaders! Alongside Tony Curtis. Sir Roger played Lord Brett Sinclair and Curtis the self-made millionaire Danny Wilde. Sir Roger starred with Britt Ekland in the 1974 Bond movie the Man with the Golden Gun in which they faced by the evil Scaramanga, played by Sir Christopher Lee. The movie was one of seven 007 features with Sir Roger in the leading role. Sir Roger jokes around with the Duke of Edinburgh at the premiere of James Bond film Moonraker in 1979. Sir Roger was invited to perform a sketch along with Sir Michael Caine at the London Palladium in honour of the Queen Mother's birthday in 1990. Sir Roger was an active supporter of the global children's charity Unicef and got together with US comedian Whoopi Goldberg - and a muppet - in 2005 to front a campaign highlighting the impact of Aids and HIV on children. The actor received a knighthood for his charity work in 2003. Sir Roger was an international star throughout his life and was guest of honour at a racing event in Germany with his last wife, Kristina Tholstrop, in 2013. Sir Sean Connery pays emotional tribute to fellow Bond Sir Roger Moore. The original big screen 007 said he will “miss” Sir Roger, with whom he enjoyed a long friendship “filled with jokes and laughter”. Fellow former Bond Pierce Brosnan shared a picture of the pair together and said he was a big part of his life IN HIS OWN SUAVE WORDS... Women have played a big part in my life on and off-screen and I think I’ve finally worked them out. I always make sure I have the last word. That word is ‘yes’. ‘It just gave me a stiff neck’ — explaining why taking Viagra left him neither shaken nor stirred. Intelligence is my most endearing quality, according to [his wife] Kristina. That’s her Swedish sense of humour. Being eternally known as Bond has no downside. People call me Mr Bond when we’re out and I don’t mind a bit. Why would I? ‘I had creaking knees and my leading ladies could have been my granddaughters’ — on his last appearance as James Bond in A View To A Kill, aged 57. ‘I lie all the time. I say different people, otherwise you’ll upset somebody’ — on his favourite Bond girl. I’m one lucky b******. In my early acting years, I was told that to succeed you needed personality, talent and luck in equal measure. I contest that. For me it’s been 99 per cent luck. It’s no good being talented and not being in the right place at the right time. The saddest thing about ageing is that most of my friends are now ‘in the other room’. I miss David Niven the most. I still can’t watch his films without shedding a tear. Some of the things I’ve done in my life I’m ashamed of. We don’t talk about those, though. If I could give my younger self some advice it would be: ‘Grow up!’ I still have some of Bond’s suits in my wardrobe, but they don’t fit me now. In the 007 days I was so thin that if I turned sideways you could mark me absent. My mum instilled in me the proverb: ‘I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet.’ Those words are always with me and I’m a believer in showing kindness to others and not expecting repayment. Medicine has always fascinated me and I’m a hypochondriac. It’s not that I wake up every morning and think: ‘I’m dying.’ At my age, I know I am.

In pictures: Classic cars rebranded What started off as a small article in a specialist car magazine has now grown into a larger project for illustrator Helge Jepsen and writer Michael Kockritz. The pair have uncovered the nicknames of 99 classic and race cars, producing a comprehensive guide to the monikers of these famous motors. Here is a selection of the best, accompanied by a brief overview of each car's history. McLaren M7A - Double Decker Throughout the F1 World Championship season of 1968, the wing design of this McLaren grew over its front and rear axles, becoming the Double Decker. This was due to the designers realising the importance of aerodynamics, and making use of downforce - the use of gravity and air resistance, used to press a vehicle to the ground - to go round corners faster. VW Beetle/Kafer - Herbie The star of countless Hollywood films since its first appearance in The Love Bug in 1968, Herbie is a Beetle that always bears the number 53. With magical powers, Herbie can drive itself, scale walls and even wins races against cars that are significantly faster. The last incarnation of Herbie was in 2005, when Lindsay Lohan played an aspiring racing car driver in Herbie: Fully Loaded. Trabant 601 - Racing Cardboard Often seen as a symbol for the failure of East Germany, from 1958 the Trabant was the go-to car for East Germans, with this model, the 601, being launched six years later. The outer shell was made of Duroplast, a plastic impregnated with resin. This material gave the car the second half of its nickname, Racing Cardboard. Land Rover SIIA SAS - Pink Panther Despite its bubblegum exterior, there is a very serious reason for the colour of the Pink Panther. This Land Rover Series IIA is a military utility vehicle used by the British Army's Special Air Service. The model used a pink base colour because this provides the best camouflage in desert landscapes. The Defender, another make of Land Rover, was also painted this shade. McLaren M8D - Batmobile This two-seater racing car was created for the Canadian-American Challenge Cup, a sports car racing competition held only in these two countries. The McLaren M8D was nicknamed the Batmobile because of its aerodynamic design. Its streamlined shape was clearly a success because in 1970 Denis Hulme, Dan Gurney and Peter Gethin won nine out of 10 of their races in it. However, the M8D is notorious for other reasons. In the same year, team owner Bruce McLaren lost his life in an accident whilst testing it at the Goodwood Circuit, West Sussex, England. Alfa Romeo 1900 C52 - Flying Saucer The small size of this Alfa Romeo meant that many drivers felt confined within its scaled-down proportions. However, Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company, supposedly lauded its quirky design saying, "Whenever I see an Alfa Romeo drive by, I tip my hat." Chevrolet 150 - Black Widow Mechanics Bradley Dennis and Paul McDuffie founded the Atlanta Tune Up Service and despite being sent the cheapest brands of Chevrolet, they soon persuaded the top racing car drivers of the day to drive for them. Noticing their success, in 1957, the makers of Chevrolet, General Motors, published the Stock Car Competition Guide, an assembly manual for Black Widow racing cars. The paint scheme for all these cars was exclusively black and white. Because it was never officially made on Chevrolet production lines, there are no figures for the number of Black Widow cars produced. Mercedes-Benz 300 SL W 198 - Gullwing This fast, elegant and expensive Mercedes 300 SL showed the world that in 1954, only nine years after the end of World War Two, Germany was still able to build excellent cars. Beloved by the rich and the famous, this car was dubbed the Gullwing in America, as its opening doors were reminiscent of the wings of a seagull. Jaguar D-Type - Long Nose After 1955, all Jaguar D-types were known as Long Nose because the front of the car was extended by 7.5 in (19 cm) to increase their top speed at the La Sarthe circuit, France. The fin behind the driver was based on aerodynamic research, and drivers reported unprecedented stability. Although in 1955 the D-type helped its drivers Mike Hawthorn and Ivor Bueb to win at French track Le Mans, this victory was dwarfed by a terrible accident in which more than 80 spectators were killed. Maserati Tipo 61 - Birdcage In 1959, Maserati's design chief, Guido Alfieri, welded 200 individual tubes into a tight lattice. He used this to form the chassis - the under part of a car - of the Tipo 60. Hence its name: the Birdcage. With the addition of a three-litre engine, this car would be able to enter the World Sports Car Series, and the Tipo 61 was born. In 1960, this Maserati won several races across the US and Europe. These victories continued into 1961 with a driver pairing of Masten Gregory and Lloyd Casner. 99 Nicknamed Classic Cars by Helge Jepsen and Michael Kockritz is published by teNeues.

In pictures: Easter celebrations from across the world Italy Pope Francis lead the Way of the Cross at the Colosseum (Picture: REX/Shutterstock) England Crowds gathered in London’s Trafalgar Square to watch a performance of The Passion of Jesus (Picture: Getty) Ecuador Tobias Jerez stands with people taking part in Quito, Ecuador’s Good Friday parade (Picture: Reuters) Cuba A procession took place across the bay from Havana (Picture: AP) Mexico Mexicans dress up in robes for the Procession of Silence Cyprus The holiday was also marked in Nicosia, Cyprus Spain This tradition in the small village of San Vicente de La Sonsierra dates back to the 16th century Romania Priests in gold robes in Bucharest And people wore Easter bunny costumes to entertain the kids

Roger Mayne’s Street Life A photographer for over sixty years, Roger Mayne is best known for his post-war studies of London neighbourhoods. On a sunny Saturday in May, 1956, Mayne happened onto Southam Street—“a wonderful street, full of life”—which quickly became one of his favorite locations. “My pattern of work was to concentrate on half a dozen favorite streets, one of which was a mews fifty yards round the corner from where I lived.” “My approach is visual rather than storytelling—I am a documentary rather than a journalistic photographer,” he said. “I have always had a habit of seeing and looking.” Mayne was struck by the prevalence of children in his work. “I was drawn to the poorer areas, and there the children were very much in evidence,” he said. “The street was their playground. They were keen to be photographed, and the first photograph had to be of them gawping, ‘Put our picture in the paper,’ before they went back to what they were doing. Teen-agers were also keen to show off and be photographed. What I looked for was action—something like a game of street football.”

Dogs Photograph From Underneath By​ Andrius Burba

The Grace Of Dancers By​ Pablo Daniel Zamora Paula Cassano and Alejo Cano Maldonado. Stable Ballet at Teatro Colon.

Missing Buildings: The Scars Left On London By The Blitz Photographers Thom and Beth Atkinson have created a series of images showing sites across London where traces of second world war bomb damage are still visible over 75 years later. Described by the pair as "a strange kind of archeology", the series reveals a mix of empty spaces and piecemeal development on sites bombed by Nazi Germany during the Blitz between 1940 and 1941. The resulting photographs are presented in the book Missing Buildings, recently published by Hwæt Books. On 7 September 1940, the first bombs of the Blitz fell across London, killing 448 people. These intensive raids continued for just over eight months both in London and across the UK. In London alone, almost 20,000 civilians died and up to one million homes were destroyed or seriously damaged – huge portions of the housing stock, including up to 80 per cent in the borough of Tower Hamlets.

A pilot's view of the world Dutch pilot Christiaan van Heijst's photographs capture the views he sees from his cockpit.

Sunsets Pictures A good sunset holds the power to stop just about anyone in their tracks. A glorious sunset is the epitome of fleeting beauty. Some people find it easy to lose themselves in an awe-inspiring sunset. For others, slowing down to appreciate such a quiet experience doesn’t come as readily. The instinct to stop and stare. Just like love at first sight, it takes your breath away, leaves you speechless and if only for a moment, slows down time. With the sun’s last rays peeking out from the horizon, comes the realization that tomorrow holds endless possibilities. You know it won’t last, but you savor every last bit of that fleeting beauty.

Blocked Public Footpath In Ministry of Defence Land; Lydd, Kent, England, 1988 A 1985 book called Land meant that Fay Godwin's landscape photography of picturesque views across Britain reached a wider audience. Capturing the changing landscape of Britain, however, her photographs were not only beautiful but also showed the effect that pollution and urbanisation had on the environment. The below photograph is particularly concerned with the impact that the Ministry of Defence was having on the area of Lydd, Kent, England. Meall Mor; Glencoe, 1989

Mr and Mrs Hudson, newsagents, Seacroft, Leeds, England, 1974 Peter Mitchell recorded some of the changes taking place in Leeds, as working class communities changed and factories were torn down. Here, Mr and Mrs Hudson stand outside their newsagents in the Seacroft area. These images were taken with the aid of a stepladder, using a medium format Hasselblad camera.

Men of 1/5th York and Lancaster Regiment in International Trench near the Yser Canal north of Ypres, 1915 By the start of World War One, progressions in technology meant that soldiers could capture images of their time in the trenches. Founded in 1888 by George Eastman, Kodak had already popularised amateur photography and when the The Vest Pocket Kodak camera appeared in 1912, it was branded as "The Soldier's Kodak". More than 28,000 of these cameras sold in 1915, meaning troops could document their life and travels for family back at home. This photo, from the same year, was taken by an anonymous soldier of the men of 1/5th York and Lancaster Regiment near the Yser Canal north of Ypres. Its depiction of smiling troops shows none of the tragedy that was to come.

The Ladder, April 1844 Polymath William Henry Fox Talbot began the history of British photography with the invention of his "calotype" process, patented in February 1841. By exposing chemically treated paper to light, and then "fixing" it with a chemical such as hyposulphite of soda, he managed to start publishing his first book of photography, The Pencil of Nature, only three years later. This image taken at Lacock Abbey, Talbot's home, is of a group of men standing around a ladder and was part of this book.

Washing line, Halifax, 1965

Durham miners, pictured with their ponies, 1965

Motor Racing at St. Ouen's Bay, Jersey, Channel Islands by Elmar Ludwig,

Photographed Abandoned Houses Of God The photos have been taken in the past three years all around Europe. I find it very interesting to see how different countries have their own way of constructing these religious places. The architecture differs a lot which is fascinating. By​ Roman Robroek Chapel In France - Now In Renovation Synagogue In Romania Church In Czech Republic Church In Italy Church In France Church In Belgium Church In France - Part Of A School Church In Germany Little Room In A Church In Italy Chapel In France In A Cloister Church In Italy Chapel In Italy Small Chapel In France Chapel In Poland

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea……Lots of room.