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A mental hospital After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuers file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn’t kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

27 Old Adult Truths 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning joined-up handwriting really necessary? 7. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 16. The first testicular guard, the ⤽Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it? 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 23. As soon as you find something at the grocery store that you really like, they will either move it or the company will discontinue it. 24. The driving of all the other people on the road has become markedly worse in the past few years. 25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 26. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 27. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? And lastly: I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my releases to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with headphones.... and how was your day???

Caught speeding A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

I had to save that pic uk666 - I will put it on my Daughters computer

lmao.. too funny..

How Files Get Corrupted [COMPUTERS]

yeah, the bike, and I wanna ride it wearing the armor.

Gospel Preacher Asks For Donations to Buy $54 Million Jet A televangelist wants his followers to pay for a $54 million private jet. It’s his fourth plane. A New Orleans televangelist known for preaching the “prosperity gospel” has asked his followers from all over the world to send him donations for him to buy a $54 million jet. Jesse Duplantis, the leader of Jesse Duplantis Ministries, is asking for a new Dassault Falcon 7X, a three-engine jet he justified in a five-minute video posted last week on his website by saying it could go farther, therefore saving on airplane fuel. “Pray about becoming a partner to it,” he tells viewers. “I really believe that if Jesus was physically on the Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey,” he says in the video “He’d be in an airplane preaching the gospel flying all over the world.” Duplantis also said that God specifically told him, “I want you to believe in me for a Falcon 7X.” When Duplantis worried about the price, God told him, “Jesse, I didn’t ask you to pay for it, I asked you to believe for it.” The jet would actually be the fourth private aircraft for Duplantis, according to the video. He bought an airplane “for the Lord” in 1994, then again in 2004, and again in 2006: I used them—and just burning them up for the Lord Jesus Christ. You know, some people believe that preachers shouldn’t have jets. I really believe preachers ought to go on every available voice, every available outlet to get this gospel preached to the world Duplantis is the founder of Jesse Duplantis Ministries, which includes a weekly television program that reaches 106 million U.S. households, according to his Amazon author biography. In 1997, he and his wife founded Covenant Church in Destrehan, La., just outside New Orleans. “It is his mission to reach every soul of the 7 billion people that now inhabit the earth, making sure that each one has an opportunity to know the real Jesus — approachable, personable, compassionate, and full of joy-the way that he knows Jesus,” the biography says. He preaches the prosperity gospel, which says God shows flavor by rewarding the faithful with earthly riches. Giving money to pastors and their ministries, leaders say, is a sort of investment. Duplantis preaches a “prosperity gospel,” in which God blesses people who please him with material wealth, to an audience on Trinity Broadcasting Network, which claims to be the largest Christian TV network in the world. TBN has a line-up of famous names in televangelism, including Joel Osteen and fellow private-aircraft enthusiast Creflo Dollar (as well as Mike Huckabee), many of whom also promote the prosperity gospel. Paula White, Donald Trump’s controversial spiritual adviser, also appears on the network to encourage her audience—often low-income people—to give money and be repaid in future success, because of God. Duplantis, appeared in a video defending the use of private jets with Texas televangelist and fellow prosperity minister Kenneth Copeland, who bought his own $6-$12 million jet from the actor Tyler Perry earlier this year. In the video, Copeland argues that Oral Roberts, a famous televangelist had been mobbed by people wanting him to pray for them when he flew on a commercial flight.